Friday, November 1, 2013

Finding Our Way During the Autumn Days

Natalie and I are gradually adjusting to life without Gary.  Other than some nightmares Natalie is doing well.  I have been treating the topic of Gary's death exactly like I do her adoption.  It is also something that has become part of our daily conversations and is discussed in a simple, honest, matter-of-fact way.  I was so afraid that after losing her fourth father (birth, foster #1, foster #2 and Gary) that Natalie would become afraid of losing me too, but thankfully that has not happened.  There is a little song that we had been singing for months from the cartoon show "Daniel Tiger" with lyrics that say "Grown Ups Come Back".  An hour or so after I told Natalie about Gary's death, she approached me and asked "Daddy not grown up anymore?" I think I felt my heart physically twist in my chest.  In order to try to save her faith in me in particular coming back I immediately said, "No Daddy's not a grown up anymore.  When you die you aren't a grown up anymore."  I didn't know what else to say, but that seemed to suffice.

For me, recovering from the unexpected loss of Gary has been a slow process, but every day the pain is a little less.  I am beginning to feel somewhat normal as I craft a new life for myself and my 3 kids (including the 2 giant furry ones :) We have been so lovingly supported by our family, friends and everyone at Natalie's school and that has meant the world to us.  To all of you who have held our hands, filled our bellies with wonderful vegetarian food, given us hugs & cards and lifted our spirits you have my eternal gratitude.  Even in the face of the biggest loss of my life I find that I have so much to be grateful for.  Much love to you all!


Sharon Cimino said...

Charity, you are truly an extraordinary woman. I am amazed at your strength despite your tragic loss. I so enjoy watching Natalie grow up through your blog, I feel like we are long time friends. I was so deeply saddened by your previous post. I can't even imagine your pain. You are such an inspiration. God bless you for being able to carryon for your beautiful daughter even though sometimes you probably feel like crying all day. Thank God for those wonderful therapy dogs that will help you on your saddest days. May Gary's spirit live on through your precious daughter. Both you and Natalie are his legacy. Please know that many like me whom you've never even met have your entire family(large furry ones too!) in their hearts and prayers.

And Miss Natalie made a perfect Snow White!Thank you for sharing those pictures and making me smile!

Peace and love

Bebe Blogger said...

I admire your strength and positive outlook in the midst of sadness and grief, Charity. It's obvious that Natalie couldn't have been placed with a better family. You are such a wonderful mommy! I've been thinking about y'all and praying that everything is okay for you and the kiddos. Natalie looks so precious in her costumes! I hope she had a fun Halloween. Continuing to keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

Tracy said...

I know we have never met but I always enjoy reading your blog and just feel I had to pass on love and light to you, the beautiful Natalie and your two gorgeous Newfs (I know from first hand experience what a support and comfort they can be) at this difficult time.

Natalie makes a stunning Snow White!

Nanou Mimosa said...

Charity you are extraordinarily strong and lucid wife, Nathalie feels safe around you. I am sending you lots of waves of tenderness and hope.

Jen Mac said...

What a warm, true, and steady woman you are. Though we've never met I hope you can sense the support being sent your direction. Peace to you and your beautiful family.

Anonymous said...

These pictures are beautiful. So glad that you and Natalie are adjusting to life without Gary. I can't even imagine how difficult it must be, but you have a very positive attitude. We will be praying for you.
Lisa Allen